Squatting Spiders And Other Bits Of Melodrama

I was just staring out of my kitchen window at my half-completed weeding job. Yes, I was weeding in February. We had two glorious days of warm, sunny weather this weekend and I made the most of them. The weeds were brown reminders of work left undone upon the arrival of our third child in October. A month before he came I was on my hands and knees placing bricks around the garden in a mosaic footpath. I really don't like leaving projects half-completed. I like to start and finish in the same burst of energy, but babies and cold weather brought a halt to tending the garden. And again, babies and cold weather are halting the work today.

As the kitchen is a therapeutic space for me, so too is my garden. Although I have yet to develop green thumbs, I am determined to chase my fears and insecurities at least to the outside of the fence. After a good bit of searching, I found my mud-stained garden gloves in the shed. I squeezed the fingers all the way to the very tips and shook them hard. I have a fear of squatting spiders, so when I dare finally put my hands in the gloves, I press my fingertips into the seams, just to feel the emptiness. Only then can I start. Out went the crabgrass that attempted to take over my newest bed, gone are the skeleton remains of last year's marigolds and zinnias, and cleared are the dried leaves of the irises and lilies. I pruned the dead bits from the new rhododendron and inspected the trees.

It's still early, even for the south. But somehow I have the feeling that spring will never come. I saw it with my own eyes just a few months ago. The leaves fell, the blooms dropped, and all went brown. That which gave me joy abandoned me again. (Please bare with me in my melodrama...) Abandonment. What a big word. Perhaps a fear even bigger than spiders in my gloves. I love the flowers, leaves, bees and birds that make a bold display of vibrant life, but no matter how much I love them, they will not return to me on this cold, dark day.

I want to kick and scream like a child, "Don't leave, come back! Why aren't you here in this moment when I need you the most?!" But even the biggest tantrums won't make the cold turn warm. I am resigned. Instead of chopping down the trees and digging up the bulbs, I will wait...patiently. Trust diligently. I'll pour myself another cup of tea, and stand at the window a little longer.

I'll try to focus on real fears, like squatting spiders and such.

Hi I'm a Mac(aroon) and He's a PC (pastry & custard)

Before the days of blogs, facebook, cell phones in every hand, and even compulsory email accounts, I had a romance that involved the mailman. Not what you are thinking...much more romantic than that. I had a lover in England who sat in a quiet room every day or so, crafting letters to me on starched white cotton paper with a black fountain pen. His margins were even, lines straight, and every time I opened the mailbox I got what I expected and wanted. He never gushed, but every detail of his thought was expressed beautifully. He drew me in, and in turn I replied. Not with straight lines and white paper though. My writing was wild and unpredictable, on different paper every time. Sometimes I included perfume or a bit of moss from the rock in the woods where I wrote my last letter. I doodled, decorated and embellished. We were very different.

Different, yes. But bound together nonetheless. It was five months of nearly nonstop letters before I saw his face for the second time. I kissed him. His first kiss. And then we knew we would be together forever.

I kissed him. His first kiss. And then we knew we would be together forever.

I suppose this is a sort of valentines post...a tad late. It took me a while to get my thoughts together. That, and I have been testing recipes for macaroons and custard. It's appropriate, really. Two delicious treats from one glorious egg. Two parts held together...not mixed up, but held beautifully together inside a shell. How lovely. This is what I think about when I'm in the kitchen. I separate the eggs...yolks in a small jug, saving for the custard to be prepared later. Whites go in with the coconut and sugar. Nothing is wasted.

I'm sentimental around this time of year. Twelve years ago I sent a man I hardly knew, a box of homemade peanut butter cookies and hershey kisses. I later found out that he hates peanut butter and Hershey's is regarded as an insult to the cocoa bean. He was gracious enough to never tell me his real response to his first valentine. But hey, it was nowhere but up after that one. In fact, our first child came about 9 months after a valentines day...the one we spent having a most delightful feast at St. Johns Restaurant. Mmmmm. That was a good one.

This year we were lucky to get away from the children long enough have a pint at a neighborhood restaurant. But I made chocolate dipped macaroons for me, and custard tarts for him. And we held hands, not mixed up, but beautifully together.

Chocolate Dipped Macaroons

Ingredients:

4 egg whites

1 cup of sugar

pinch of salt

1 large spoon of honey

2 1/2 -3 cups of unsweetened coconut (small shred), or finely ground almonds

1/4 cup flour

1 teaspoon vanilla extract (1/2 tsp almond extract if using almonds)

1 bar of Lindt chocolate (70% or a mixture of milk chocolate with the 70% is nice)

Method:

Place the egg whites, sugar, salt, honey, coconut and flour in a medium saucepan. Mix together until the texture is fairly even, then turn heat on to medium and continue to stir until the mixture begins to brown on the bottom slightly. Stir in the vanilla extract, then remove from heat and transfer to a bowl to cool to room temperature. Once the macaroon mixture is cooled, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Use a cookie scoop to distribute the mixture on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake for 15-20 minutes, depending on how soft or firm you like your macaroons. Remove from oven and let cool completely. Melt chocolate in a microwaveable dish. Dip the bottoms of the macaroons in the chocolate and place on the parchment paper. Cool in the fridge until the chocolate has set. Store in an airtight container

Custard Tarts

Pastry:

For USA, you will need a kitchen scale. These are weighed measures.

9 oz plain flour

pinch of salt

2-3 oz unsalted butter

2-3 oz shortening

Cold water

Stir the salt into the flour. Cut or rub the fat into the flour until it resembles coarse bread crumbs. Gently stir a little cold water into the mixture (a couple tablespoons at a time) until the mixture begins to form a ball. Do not over-mix pastry dough or it will become tough. Roll out on a floured board and place in a large tart pan, or if you are feeling particularly energetic, you can cut them into small circles and use muffin pans or jam-tart pans for individual tarts.

Custard:

4 egg yolks, plus 2 eggs

2 oz caster sugar

1/2 pint of whole milk

1/2 pint single cream

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Freshly grated nutmeg

Method:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl beat the eggs and yolks with the sugar until blended. In a saucepan, warm the cream and milk until it begins to simmer. Remove from heat and slowly whisk the milk into the egg mixture. Add the vanilla extract. Pour the egg and milk mixture into the pastry case or cups. Grate the nutmeg over the tarts and bake for 30 minutes, or until the custard is just set. Let cool at least 15 minutes before serving, or refrigerate and serve cold (either way, don't forget the tea).

Maple Pecan Granola

My daughter used to call it "granilla" when she was three. So that's actually what we call it around here. Funny how those things stick. I remember watching my grandmother make granola when I was little. I am aware that this little bit of nostalgia might make some people giggle, as it's possibly something that identifies me as being from California, or having hippies for parents. But you took the time to read this recipe, so don't pretend that you are not a little bit hippie too. What I will say about granola is that it is easy to make, and there are endless possibilities for which flavors to add. It's basically a dried up bowl of oatmeal, so it's up to you to make it your way. I like this one though. It is full of nuts and spices, and the molasses and maple syrup give the perfect sweetness for a bowl of cereal, yogurt parfait, or topping for ice cream.

So while you are waiting for your granola to bake, here are a few hippie thoughts to inspire your creation...dude:

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.-Alan Watts

You're either on the bus or off the bus.-Ken Kesey

Like a true nature's child, we were born, born to be wild.-Steppenwolf

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.-Mark Twain

All I'm gonna do is just go on and do what I feel.-Jimi Hendrix

Masses are always breeding grounds of psychic epidemics. -Carl Jung

Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights. Get up, stand up, don't give up the fight.-Bob Marley

And of course...."Make Love Not War," "Don't let the man keep you down," and "Watch the fro."

Put the following ingredients in a very large mixing vessel (I use my biggest stock pot)

8 cups of old fashioned oats

2 cups of pecan meal (or pecans ground in a food processor)

1 cup of coarsely chopped or whole pecans

2 cups of sliced almonds

1 cup of sunflower seeds (roasted and salted)

2 cups of unsweetened dried shredded coconut (small shred)

Add the following spices and mix into dry ingredients

1 Tbs ground mixed spice or pumpkin pie spice

1/2 Tbs cinnamon

1 tsp nutmeg

1/4 tsp cardamom

1/4 tsp sea salt

3 TBS sucanat (or brown sugar if you can't find sucanat)

Mix the following ingredients in a separate bowl or jug, then pour over dry ingredients and mix until all dry ingredients are coated well. (If you like to have more clusters in your granola, then increase the molasses and maple syrup to one cup each)

3/4 cup blackstrap molasses

3/4 cup real maple syrup

1 Tbs vanilla extract

1/2 cup canola oil

1/2 cup peanut oil

Spread out on three 12" x 17" jelly-roll style baking sheets and place one-at-a-time in a 325 degree oven for 15 minutes. Take out and stir, then put back in for another 15 minutes. It will still be moist when you take it out of the oven. Stir once more to dislodge from pan and let cool completely before storing in an airtight container. You can also add dried fruits or flax seeds at this time.

And of course, don't forget your cup of tea:

http://www.imperialteas.co.uk/

Invisibility, Numbness and Other Motherly Super Powers

I am a mother. Regardless of how this thought-train travels, I want to make it clear that I absolutely adore my children and treasure the ability to be with them at home each day.

I'm not ungrateful, I just need to figure out how to cope without going nuts.

I have three children, and our youngest is only 4 months old. Some mothers are able to balance life beautifully, passing through the processes of change and growth with grace and poise. Or maybe they are just good actors. Either way, I'll try to curb my cynical commentary on this subject. I'm not really interested in making comparisons, but rather to have a moment of transparency for my own sake. However beautiful it may be, this time of caring for little ones is not an easy one.

Mother's with older children like to say, "It get's better...this time will pass...it will be over before you know it...just wait till they are teenagers..." Sure, ok. But the forecast is not what I need right now. Right now I need that umbrella, or a snorkel, or duct tape to keep the tsunami from washing me away. Keeping my eyes on the prize is not helpful in being more present with what is in front of me now. But I forgive you for not seeing what is obvious to me, for I am invisible. It is one of my many super powers, along with being numb to sensation and shouting very loudly.

Perhaps you are feeling a little envious now, but I'll just warn you that having these extra abilities can be a drag. Mostly they are troublesome when photos are being taken by people who don't have Photoshop, lovemaking, and when your toddler tears a lampshade in half while you are trying to keep the baby asleep. And in my experience they are temporary, directly associated with short quantities of nightly sleep. So if you are thinking about trying for some super powers of your own, I would suggest an environment of unpredictable sleep bursts of 90 minutes, interspersed with mildly stressful, detail-oriented tasks that are physically demanding...like feeding a colicky baby at 3am, for example.

I, for one, am somewhat interested in hanging up the cape for a day or two. I'm not sure I can disguise all of my current super powers, but I can write this nonsense to those who wish to see me through this blog, and then go into the kitchen to stimulate my senses. This one seems to please most people. Chocolate dipped coconut macaroons, pot roast with fennel, pesto-chicken and vegetable lasagna, and maple pecan granola. I cook. All the while enjoying a cup of slowly steeped long-leaf tea from The Imperial Teas of Lincoln, or a cup of bold coffee with freshly whipped cream laced with a liqueur.

Or I could schedule an appointment with a therapist.